Confessions of an Autistic Lover

Emily – You did exactly what I wanted, maybe a little to well.

After our disaster of a first date, I wanted nothing more to do with you. I knew from then going forward that you would never be able to offer me anything that I would want for any length of time. Turns out I was wrong. The next time I met up with you we went back to your house, and that night I confessed that I wasn’t in a place to be what you were looking for. You immediately took all the blame and placed it on your father, that he was the catalyst for why you acted the way you did. You were moving out to go to your college dorm in a month, if I could just give you that long, everything would be okay.

I wonder if you’ve ever stopped lying?

I put up with you for a month until you asked me to celebrate you moving into your college dorm. I drove 30 minutes to see you, and you kept me waiting outside your dorm for two hours. After I finally threatened to leave I saw you slowly enter the lobby, drag your feet to the door, and barely push the door open without even so much as looking at me. I came and visited you because you enthusiastically asked me to, only to stand outside for two hours, and have you let me in with the most pathetic, unenthusiastic, slap-to-the-face greeting I’ve ever received. You told me that you were so worried about ruining the evening that you worked yourself up into a fit, and did exactly that, you ruined it by greeting me with nothing short of an insult. You’re extremely lucky I waited as long as I did and told you I was going to leave, because I should have just left after you did nothing for 30 minutes. Yet I waited and when you finally conceded, you stayed in that mood the entire night. You expected me to console you, for something that was purely your fault; and when I tried to, you had the audacity to get mad at me for failing to console you. This unfair/unjust punishment would be the perfect label for the next 5 months I spent with you after this incident.

But a switch must have flipped in my head, a part of me knew that you were perfect for what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore, Nhu-Thao worked really hard to help me stop that. But I wouldn’t need to hurt myself as long as I had you. So I kept coming back, month after month as you slowly got worse, I subconsciously reveled in the pain you caused me, because even though I didn’t deserve it from you, I told myself you were giving to me on behalf of Nhu-Thao, and that made it okay. After several months I decided that my flagellant streak was over and I did my best to drop you accordingly. You were surprised that I just up and left so suddenly and were greatly angered that your toxic attempts to stop me didn’t work. I will admit that I’d had enough of others for quite some time after you, and you left many negative impressions in me that haunted me for years afterwards, but in the end you left nothing more than a footnote in my memory.

So that’s all you’ll get here, a footnote. Consider our business finished because those loose ends with you will never be worth dealing with.

Confessions of an Autistic Lover

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