Confessions of an Autistic Lover

Taylor – Once again it starts with you.

I associate much of my pain and failure in high-school to you. You deliberately used me to achieve your own goals and when I was no longer useful you tossed me aside. At least that’s the past I choose to recall. How much of it is the truth?

Only my side of the story exists, not because it’s me telling the tale, but because you never shared your side with anyone, at least not in a way that could get back to me. But how different could it really be? I benefit from embellishment and have nothing to gain from lying here, I simply write to help myself cope with parts of my past I still struggle to overcome. But how much of this are you really to blame for?

I didn’t have many close friends in high-school. I knew essentially nothing about most of them, except you. Would it come as no surprise to many that you being my only source of attention and affection that I had so longed for that I could have simply mistaken your kindness for attraction? If this is true why didn’t you ever say anything? You were incredibly nice and welcoming to everyone, could you just have not seen it and only realized it later once people started asking if we were together? I don’t find it hard to believe since you knew very little about my personal life; perhaps you just thought I was really friendly and enjoyed spending time with you. When what I and everyone else saw was completely different.

As for why you never said anything, why should you? You didn’t have to prove or disprove anything to anyone, same as I. If I was in your shoes and I discovered that a close friend of mine was infatuated with me via other people questioning when we were going to come out as a couple I would freak out. I would have distanced myself as best as possible and hoped the other didn’t make a big scene. This is exactly what you tried to do, and whilst I didn’t make a scene, I didn’t need to. Everyone else did it for me.

Regardless of if the above is true or my initial recollection is true one thing remains clear. We were both wrong in how we handled it. I should have been more upfront about my feelings for you much sooner instead of letting you find out otherwise. If you were as close of a friend as I thought you were you would have at least confronted me and told me how you felt, I would have listened as knowing is so much less painful than wondering like I am now. However, I also failed as a close friend. When you dated someone other than me I should have still been happy for you, and I shouldn’t have let others rise up for me and berate you over some inane possibility that may have never existed to begin with.

When you texted me months later to ask how I was doing, instead of being friendly and welcoming to you I was heavy and spiteful. I told you the truth in some of the struggles I had been facing and laid the blame heavily on you. So I do not blame you for never attempting contact again, or for denying me any chance to contact you as well. It was only fair after everything, I wouldn’t want to be associated with anyone that accuses me of such things either.

While I may never know the truth, I don’t feel I need to anymore. That time in our lives was but a drop in the bucket. Both of us moved on to college and far, far away from any and all of our high-school piers. I now know that many of my high-school misfortunes were from me being completely undiagnosed of all my mental problems and my autism at the time. Now knowing the truth I can no longer unfairly place the heaviest burden of blame on you; it falls back on myself where it rightfully belongs.

So for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. You’ll never know this, but I hope it doesn’t haunt you occasionally as it does me.

Confessions of an Autistic Lover

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