Confessions of an Autistic Lover

Julie – Some wounds scar, to be a reminder of what shouldn’t be.

Julie, even after all this time I can’t truthfully say I have any reason to forgive you. I do know you were raised in a foreign foster home as an infant, and were suffering from having lost one of your adoptive mothers, but instead of a healthy healing cycle you chose a self-destructive spiral and tried to drag as many people down with you as you could. As someone who had suffered much like you did, I can’t relate. I’ve never tried to actively cause as much inner-turmoil to someone as you did me.

As an autistic person that had never seriously dated before I can only assume there were countless red flags I was completely oblivious to. My two closest friends at the time and your best friend cautioned us both about our relationship. I didn’t know any better, I was still naive. You simply didn’t care, I was a means to an end and you were willing to take as much as I wanted to give. You acted as a catalyst for both my suicide, and my recovery. You always managed to string me along just enough to hold out some desperate hope that maybe my unconditional love would someday stop falling on deaf ears. Eventually that came true, they just weren’t your ears.

Thank you for showing me genuine happiness when we first got together. You took things very slow and let what felt like real trust build. You showed me how to have fun when I not only didn’t think I could have fun, but when I didn’t want to. You were so pivotal in creating my headspace for me that when I feared I lost you I immediately relapsed into suicidal thoughts and attempted several weeks after, not being able to accept my life was just miserable me again. I understand that caring for someone like I was then can be very draining, I had to experience someone like that myself to understand. But unfortunately I learned to handle it just as bad as you.

Thank you for showing me just about every red-flag imaginable. You were so thorough in hitting almost every major area that since I’ve dated you I’ve been able to identify them with relative ease, and have even used this knowledge to curb some of my own flaws that I was oblivious to. Thank you for graduating and never putting much effort into contacting me again. Blocking your phone number after you sent me a random text asking how I was months later was one of the most liberating things I’ve ever experienced and helped put me on the path of better self-reflection.

You are a cheater, and you cheated on me. When you finally felt genuine feelings for me you became guilt-ridden and confessed to your friends. You came to the conclusion I didn’t need to know, and then kept cheating. You got caught by me when you had unprotected sex and contracted an STI that you then gave to me. There is no sugar-coating that, and your attempt to cover it up months later by pretending to be a rape victim was in extremely poor taste. There are no hypotheticals to consider as these series of events were lived by me, corroborated by many, and witnessed by everyone who knew us.

I harbor no ill-will against you, just a strong desire to never have anything to do with you ever again, because you helped build something special to me and used it to hurt me over and over again even as I begged you to stop. In the end I made you stop, and now I’ve become a more learned person because of it. I can only hope that you learned something, like I did, from our time together. You needed it arguably more than I did.

Confessions of an Autistic Lover

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